There have been a lot of moments since Charlie died where I sit back, think about what is going on in my life and ask all the self-assessment questions.
At the end of the first year after he died was the first time I looked at my life and knew things could not go on the way they were. I was missing a big piece of the life puzzle, but the only person that could do anything about it was..... ME! I had to make some life changes and decisions. Boy, it can be a bitch when the rug is pulled out from under you and your whole life can change right in front of you! The changes may only take moments to occur and sometimes they happen before you realize it!! By the time the first year had passed, I wasn't very proud of my accomplishments, (I don't think there were any to be honest....) so conversations with myself went a little like this, "No more excuses! Get your shit together!!" And I did. I went back to school just before my 40th birthday and eight years later, I'm good. It was worth it and you know, those 4+ years would have passed if I hadn't gone back to school. But now, I'm in a happy place (sure, there are a few exceptions, but we won't go there... it ain't all that much). I am doing work I care about and work with kids that need a lot of love and care. Of course, no one will ever take the place of Charlie, but his spirit lives on through me.
I have only had a couple of these life-changing pivotal moments. I'm not sure I want to many more. They can take a lot out of a person. However, these days when I self-assess, I ask myself, "Have I stood up to the test? (I think so.) Could I have done a better job? (Yes, of course...) Would I do it all again? (ABSOLUTELY!) "
There is always one last question and it is, " Now What?" Any suggestions?
Charlie: Feb. 20, 1983 - Sept. 13, 1997
3 comments:
A milestone. A place to stop and take stock and see if you're on the right road. Your answer: Yes.
Good.
Also, there are milestones ahead...ten, eleven, fifteen, fifty. No rush to plot the whole course at nine. Don't feel pressured. Some of us cannot plan what we are going to do tomorrow, or this afternoon.
Education is a great career, but you have expressed feelings that there must be more. Watch for it. There are sideroads worth exploring. Think of the other travellers you are going to meet. Enough of the metaphors...
And do something completely different, too. Learn to dance, to sing, drive a truck, fly a plane, join a community theater, find a new faith.
Rediscover FUN. What thing you have done in the last nine years has been the most fun? Can you top it?
POWERFUL entry! I don't know how I would have recovered. ... Your "assessment” test deserves a strong grade, but I understand “self-assessment” grades much harder. … “Now what”? I try to avoid that question myself. <grin>
Patrick
Jackie,
Because of your life with Charlie and then how you took that powerful part of your life and built something entirely new from it, you are a special person. I think you can take a second to smile at yourself.
What next? The comments already here are so good, they've got it covered. I'll just blurt the two things that I thought. Do different stuff, always, and don't be afraid. Just jump and flap your wings.
But you already knew that, inside.
Abe
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